"I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess." -Martin Luther

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Shoes News: The Big Deal

Here's the most important thing for you to know.
Most shoes are not going to do good things to your feet.
Generally, dress shoes, sandals, and classic shoes are bad. Classic shoes are what most people think of when someone says "sneaker". It is a shoe made by a company that makes athletic shoes, but has stripped all its technology out of a shoe, put in basic cushioning, and called it a classic. Dress shoes, sandals, and classics give your foot a very small amount of cushion, and nothing else. High-heeled sandals and dress shoes are even worse.
There are some sandals and dress shoes that use custom cork, running shoe cushioning, or molding insoles to provide better cushioning. They are still not as good as having the right running shoe.
A running shoe looks like a sneaker, or even a classic. Running shoes are categorized as follows.

Neutral: Made for someone who does not have overpronation or supination (underpronation). It gives relatively good cushioning and shock absorbtion, through gel, thick EVA, SPEVA, ABSORB, waveplates, "pearls" or some other technology. This is a good, cheaper, lighter, running shoe.

Cushioning: This is almost the same thing as a neutral shoe. The words can be used interchangeable. A cushioning shoe, however, typically has a lot of cushioning. It uses the same technologies, and is a good shoe for someone who has a flat arch, supinates, or has a high arch (but does not overpronate).

Stability: A shoe that has a medial post (a portion of the inside sole that has thicker, denser material), or some other stability technology. Stability helps overpronaters arches from flattening too much. This helps them not turn their ankles or knees too much, and guides the foot into a good toe-off.

Motion Control: A stability shoe souped up. Typically heavier than a stability shoe, with a massive medial post, the motion control shoe is for a serious overpronater. It gives lots of stability, which could also be called motion control.

Shoes News: Basics

Well, first we had better all get on the same page. This, as opposed to my last six posts, is actaully on a serious topic, and I really do have some useful things to say. I'll try to stick to what is the consesus about these topics, and make it known if I am jumping out on the somewhat unstable limb of my own reasonings and thoughts.
I will assume you all know what a sneaker, dress shoe, sandal, and boot are. But here's some definitions of slightly harder words.
Tennis Shoe: Most people mean "sneaker" when they say this, but, while all tennis shoes are sneakers, not all sneakers are tennis shoes. There are only a few dedicated tennis shoes made, as in "shoes made to play tennis in".
Casual shoe: Not what it sounds like. This is a casual, as opposed to a dressy, dress shoe. It is not a sneaker, boot, or anything like that. It is a lower-end dress shoe.
Slide: A sandal you slide your foot into, that has no pieces that go between the toes.
Last: A model that shoes are built around, determines lengths and widths of the inside of the shoe. Most brands only have a few lasts. This means that one shoe of brand _, size _ may fit you, while another of brand _, size _ does not.
A: narrow ladies width.
B: medium women's, narrow men's width.
D: Medium men's, wide women's width.
W: Men's wide (E), women's wide (D)
E: Men's wide
Adding numbers in front of the A or E means double, triple, quadruple narrow/wide depending on the letter and number.
pronation: The natural rolling in of the foot and flattening of the arch when the foot strikes the ground.
Supination: The foot rolling out during a stride.
Overpronation: Rolling in...too much!

Foot Jiggling VI: A few special classes

Super-twiner: Begin with the stylish cross. Then, pass the top foot underneath the back of the bottom leg. This excruciating position allows little motion, but sometimes helps to strech the muscles during long car trips, and the author believes it would be highly effective if utilized by girls to express uncontainable happiness...so long as they could get their legs untangled.
Typing Off the Bow: My sister Hope discovered this secular jiggle position. Thank you, Hope! First, sit at a desk with a keyboard. Then, Raise one leg and place it on the desk somewhere behind and to one side of the keyboard. Raise the other leg so that it passes between the two typing arms. If it is the right/left leg, it should touch, but not apply pressure to, the inside of the right/left forearm. Place this leg atop the other. Jiggling the bottom leg in this position is almost impossible. However, jiggling from the ankle on the other one may very well cause the entire desk to shake unnerving all in the near vicinity. Plus, typing around your legs just looks cool.
Indian style: This jiggle pattern requires a large flat surface, probably a floor, to sit on. Cross your legs indian-style, a jiggle from the hips with your knees. Drumming on thighs and calves is also effective. A very relaxed, jiggle-and forget position.
This concludes this sobering topic. Foot jiggling is not for the faint of heart, but it's benefits are many, including stimulated cardio rates, muscle exercise and relaxation, meditative concentration, and frustration of enemies.

Not legal in all states. Foot Jiggle at your own risk. Surgeon General's warning: Foot Jiggling may cause severe brain, heart, nervous system, and/or ligament damage. Do not foot jiggle if you are on any doctor prescribed medication, have any history of heart or mental problems, or are pregnant.
Keep away from children.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Foot Jiggling V

Back to the classes:
Pretzel: In this class, not for the faint of heart, one leg, the top leg, is held naturally, straight out, bent straight down, and jiggles from the toe. The other leg, the bottom leg, extends straight out, is bent back in under the top leg so that it is pancaked between the seat and the top leg's thigh. This leaves the bottom foot protruding to rapidly twist back and forth. The pretzel is great for whacking your feet on things and making them sore. Please not that those whose knee joints occasionally become partially out of socket may want to refrain from this jiggle, as should those prone to muscle cramps.
Stylish Cross: A jiggle with an attitude, the stylish cross begins with one leg out and bent down to the floor, leaning to the inside, with the other leg draped over its knee. This allows the bottom to keep a beat with its toe while the top wiggles its way to fame. Rapid leg reverses bring even more attention to this ostentatious jiggle. This jiggle may cause uncomfortable sweating where the two legs sit on top of each other, so it is reccomended for the cooler months.
Holding Feet: This is only a slight modification of the Classic. Both feet are extended out, angled outward, and fold inward. The bottom leg touches down on the toe, the top leg goes behind it, with the front of the top ankle resting over the heel of the bottom foot. This jiggle, if used excessively, may lead to rashes or blisters, but it allows for rubbing bone dual-rythym, and bounces the knees in sync with the jiggle.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Foot Jiggling IV: A Detour to the Invention and Subsequent History of the Jiggle

The mention of Chinese water torture caused me to ponder. It seems to me that, among their invention of eyeglasses, explosives, kites, knights or "Samurai", and martial arts, one far-more important Chinese invention has been sadly neglected. I refer, of course, to foot jiggling. It is clear that this emerged in the late twenty-fifth century B.C., as man's life-span finished shortening, causing time to fly by mankind at breakneck speeds. The Chinese, well-known for their "deep" philosophies, found that meditation involving rythymic lower body motion that left the upper body motionless allowed for deep insights into life, and spiritual victory over one's enemies. They intitled this art "Jig Gling" (not to be mistaken for "Jing Gul" a vocal meditation routine meant for memorization, but which was soon recognized as a powerful demoralizer among young slaves). The dance-connotating "jig" as well as our own "jiggle" emerged from this nomen.
Most Chinese thought this technique best suited for proselytes learning the ways of the philosophers, but soon it became so popular with the philosophers, that they reccomended it to the physicians, who reccomended it to the Samurai, who in turn enforced it upon their people as neccessary for good health, and as a last ditch tactic against the enemy. Several ancient accounts of enemies begging for mercy and giving up priceless secrets when confronted with a jiggler.
Unfortunately, jiggling was so potent as a weapon that soon Samurai forced their peasants to be hynoptized out of remembering it, due to their use of it against each other over petty disputes. Soon, it was a secret of war, treasured by the few Samurai who held the truth, typically through some wise philosopher in his employ. Mention of this art was avoided, for fear of the secret getting out again.
Around 300 B.C., all references to Jig Gling stop. It appears that the few high-ranking Chinese who still knew of the art buried their secret, destroyed the few manuscripts remaining, in short, destroyed the documentation on Jig Gling. Their reasons were three-fold. First, any who first learns Jig Gling finds it is hard to unlearn. Those who knew it already had no need for documentation. Second, it was too dangerous a weapon, and there was no garuntee that the secret would not be let out and proceed to destroy the known world. Third, and this was the flagship motive, water-torture became popular during this period, and it was so much more humane than Jig Gling, while maintaining its effeciency, that Jig Gling was unneccessary. After this, Jig Gling was passed on through the generations by word of mouth, and only a few brave and tragic souls actaully practised the tecnique. These lost all friends and allies, and were destroyed by their neighbors as too dangerous to live.
It was Marco Polo who brought Jig Gling to the modern world, daring many dangers, and surviving an intense Jig Gling dual, to capture and return with the secret. From that time forth, Jigg Gling, in a westernized, mostly-harmless form. Few now remember the deadly secrets that unleash Jiggle into its bloodthirsty form, Jig Gling. It is rumored, however, that the League of Shadows use this as a last-ditch effort to cause chaos, and may be represented returning to Gotham in Batman 2 with this tecnique. But of course, this form of Jig Gling would be stylized and devoid of danger.

Foot Jiggling 3: Classes

Surprisingly, there is much pleasure to be found in any discussion or application of jiggle-classes. Do not think enjoying this subject is taking too low a view of it. Foot jiggling, as is the case with many other sober practices, is the object of its own unique pleasure.
Classic: Sitting. One leg straight forward and bent straight down to floor. Other leg out to side, folded in at knee perpendicular to first leg, resting above ankle just behind first leg's knee. This allows for a rapid up-and-down jiggle by the top leg, and a beat-keeping thump by the grounded leg, lifting the toe for less disturbance, or the heel for a shift of the entire system. The classic is good for banging on low-lying tables, and is best when sitting at a table. It can, however, be used while simply lounging in a seat, or at a movie. The upper leg sometimes becomes sore, or even numb from its position, and reversing legs is recommended every ten to twenty minutes. The classic is also an effective platform, allowing for notebooks, or reading materials. Unfortunately, low chairs crowded seating and arm-rest mounted tables in college classrooms disrupt this class of jiggle.
Open: The open jiggle can do everything the classic could not, at the loss of some of the rythym and aggravation opportunities. The open consists of a sitting position with legs straight out to the knee, folded down to the ground. The angle of the legs can be changed (tighter, wider, or to one side or the other), even in mid-jiggle, allowing for a swaying or kaleidescoping effect. Jiggling from the heel (lifting the toe off the ground) is tiring and uninspiring from this class. Jiggling off the toe, bouncing the knees is reccomended. Also reccomended is syncrounous jiggling. Aggravation in this stance is only accomplished if the jiggler possesses the stamina to maintain the jiggle long enough to drive observers mad, in an effect similar to Chinese water-torture.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Foot Jiggling II: Subclasses

To describe each individual jiggle is impossible. It is rare that a jiggle-pattern is ever repeated. However, the basic classes of jiggle can be defined, as well as sub-classes, or modifiers. Classes and modifiers combine to create a single, unique jiggle-pattern.

First, subclasses will be explained.

syncronous: In two-leg jiggle-patterns, having identical jiggles--left up, right up. Left down, right down.
Use: Focus

Antisyncronous: left up, right down, right down, left up. A difficult subclass.
Use: Energy release. Aggravation.

speed: rapidity of jiggle.
Use: Energy Release. Rythym. Aggravation.

Alternate: In two-leg patterns, a jiggle that switches left and right roles every cycle. For instance. Left left right. right right left. (with the single pattern left left right)
Use: Rythym

Overlapping: an alternate jiggle-pattern that overlaps: left left right right left left right right, (with the single pattern left left right)
Use: Focus

On-off: a jiggle pattern with a blank space btw each/every _ repititions. (rightrightright..........rightrightright)
Use: Focus. Rythym.

Full alternate: Alternate in which the entire repitition is jiggled first by one foot, then the other (left...leftleftleft right....rightrightright)
Use: Focus.

Not all subclasses can modify all classes. Obviously, a single foot class of jiggle cannot alternate. They can be applied to any "basic" class, similar to translation, stretching, and flipping on a graph.

Most jiggle patterns can be changed from the basic use to another, by modification through subclasses. Remember, all jiggles can produce energy release, focus, rythym, or aggravation; the uses listed are just those most improved by the addition of the subclass.

Before I go any further I must condemn the use of foot-jiggling as an aggravant. Otherwise I might be held accountable when everyone becomes just that much more annoying due to modifying their jiggle for aggravation. It is not nice to aggravate people. If someone asks you to stop jiggling, do your very best to do so. Remember how you feel when things drive you crazy. And consider others better than yourself.