It will quickly become apparent that I cannot claim full, or even major authoracy of this post. Therefore, I humbly acknowledge the totally amazing and hilarious brains and personalities of my family.
Meet my family.
Hope: "We don't eat coffee in this house."
Dad, after discussing marriage to PCA members: "It's not like you're marrying a Catholic."
Joben to Hope: "I'm not talking to you about anybody anymore because you always match them up by the end of the conversation."
Mom, about Dad: "He's just hoping that I'll die."
Hope: "I just want to rent a dorky movie."
Mom: "That sounds like a very good idea."
Hope: "But I don't want to marry suitable young men."
Mom to Hope: "You go running down a beach with a bunch of men with white underwear and tell me that that's not a sporting experience."
Joben: "We like dad, but we like food better."
Hope, on exposing herself to Nicaraguan diseases: "I tried to avoid the life-threatening ones."
Claire: "Some of the funniest things I ever say, I never said them."
Hope: "My goal in life is to be sued by the ACLU."
Joben: "Hope's shackles start rising."
Claire to Joben: "You're overhyperating!"
Lewis Rule Rhymes
At all times
Remember these rhymes.
Clean off the table
As much as you're able.
When you can't think
Have water to drink.
Don't take food from the kitchen
Unless you get special permission.
Life will get out of whack
If you don't put things back.
We notice when other people are weird...
Pizza box: "Keep frozen cook thoroughly."
Bottom of pizza box: "Do not turn upside down."
But we think they are really lacking in talent compared to us.
Mom: "Don't talk like that."
Dad: "Bill Rife talks like that."
Mom: "And you notice I made very sure I didn't marry Bill Rife."
Dad: You were married to me when you met him!"
Mom: "Why are people prejudice against Jewish people? They've got such nice noses."
Mom: I'm flambuzzled.
Mom: "It's a good thing I go through the trash every day.
Hope, pointing at a bag of chow mein noodles: "It's a bag!"
Mom, on the phone with Dad: "I could ask Hope. Oh, no, Hope's at camp. But I could ask Hope."
Mom to Claire: "It would help if you could be a driver's license."
Anonymous: "Redundant and repetitious."
Joben: "I don't joust with girls."
Mom: "They're best if you cut them in half so you can put butter sauce in them."
Joben to Claire: "Centralize main aqua dispenser arm!"
Hope: "I wasn't poking my nose into trouble; I was smelling whiskey!"
We're quite profound.
Joben: "I think I'm growing up: I'm forgetting to eat!"
Claire: "I've never laughed so hard in my life; I just stood there with my mouth open, sweating."
Mom wrote this, with some help from -Dad-: "People who think slow-ly- should not talk fast.-quickly-
-Or write quickly.-"
Mom, stealing from Babylon 5: "Don't make the mistake of thinking this is a conversation."
~"There must be some mistake."
~"There is no why."
Hope: "105. [boys]"
Mom: "You know, you've really got to learn not to interrupt the host."
Claire: "I am not a yam."
Mom, on people who don't meditate on cokes: "You're being inconsiderate."
Joben: "Is your ego creeping up over your cerrebellum?"