Dear Readers,
In an effort to free up more time for my scholarly vocation, I have, among other measures, devised a way to update my blog without writing anything. I will "self-plagiarize" by posting past pieces of prose. More specifically, I will post what I hope to be enjoyable and rather open-ended essays I was assigned in the Spring of 2006. This, the first installment, was my effort at a satire. Enjoy:
Mr. Speaker, it is my pleasure to present the North American Provincial Legislature for Economic and Social Safety with my comparison report concerning the last two years, 2344 and 2345. The progress achieved in the arenas of work reduction, technological advancement, safety process refinement, and job creation are therein detailed, showing dramatic improvement continuing the overall trend towards excellence. In addition, physical, social, and mental health is considered in detail. Finally, Mr. Speaker, the report contains several guiding cautions for the legislature's benefit. For the purposes of simplification, I will now summarize the report, giving the final figures for each area, as well as examples of progress.
On the forefront of work reduction are the technological applications committees. In 2345, these committees introduced advancements in robotics, transportation, and interface controls such that the average citizen was saved six percent of his or her work time, compared to a four percent reduction in 2344. The average citizen now spends only five percent of his or her time carrying out his or her occupation. Following are brief descriptions of a few of the technological advancements made in 2345. Robotic artificial intelligence and self-maintenance have been improved dramatically. Touch-activated interfaces have been made five times more sensitive to pressure. Thinkpads, such as the one used to format this presentation, transpose brain waves directly into text. Personal transport systems are safer, faster, and smarter. Again, these examples are but a few of 2345's advancements.
Safety process improvement committees report that, with new, standardized, biannually-updated safety registration forms, required monthly from all citizens, personal injuries have decreased by point-four percent. New assistance robots have put answers within reach of every citizen compiling these forms. The average citizen spent three percent more time on safety forms last year, for a total of only twenty-four percent of his or her total time.
Occupational opportunity committees report a point-three percent increase in job openings gained last year, with a gain of forty-thousand job opportunities for a loss of only twenty-seven thousand. Of these new occupational opportunities, forty percent were in government and supervision venues. Another forty percent were in health research and physical fitness training. Six of the remaining ten percent were in the venue of education.
Health and physical fitness committees report that the average citizen spent fifty-one percent of his or her total time researching for personal health and exercising for physical fitness. Dieting technology research introduced fourteen new dieting techniques last year, and nutritional manufacturers produced innumerable new foods. These foods contained less nutritionally harmful contents and new biodrugs for only a slightly higher price per ounce, and were either generalized to appeal to the most dieting plans, or specialized for a specific plan. The most popular new food last year was H-Two O's, which requires only the addition of water to create a bowl full of milk and healthy cereal. As a result of these advancements, the average citizen gained only four pounds last year, compared to a six point-three pound gain in 2344.
Social interactment and leisure time requirements remained steady in 2344; however, 2345 showed a new trend. Sleep reduction research yielded new therapies and drugs which reduced the average citizen's sleep requirement to only seven percent, allowing the final thirteen percent total time to be spent in social interaction and relaxation. Included in my report are some examples of sleep replacement technology, such as hypnotist robots and chemically-modified-caffeine misting implants.
Now, Mr. Speaker, with all this progress, there are still some areas of concern. Due, according to the psychology committees, to increased responsibility as each citizen is entrusted with the management of a larger portion of his or her country's robotic workforce (in order to allow further extra-terrestrial colonization), the average citizen was eight percent more depressed, four percent more likely to be obese, and nine percent more likely to take his or her own life last year. These figures represent an increase of approximately one percent in the growth of each of these areas compared to 2344. The committee on mental and physical well-being recommends more research into satisfaction-inducing drugs, genetic therapy to reduce the human body's storage of fat, sleep reduction to allow more free time, and work reduction to cut down on fatigue.
Finally, the committee on the North American Colony to Mars reports that last year's selection of colonial citizens has proven to be superb. Though suffering from dietary and general food shortages and forced because of power shortages and lack of repair equipment to take on ninety percent of the robotic workforce's duties, our brave colonists are physically fit and mentally healthy. The committee and the colonists themselves urge the legislature to allocate more robotics, food, and biodrugs to the colony with "haste brought on by appreciation for our brave citizens' work."
To conclude, Mr. Speaker, it has been a pleasure to see the increase in progress last year, especially in its across-the-board nature. The legislature needs no reminder, I am sure, to push for better research in responsibility strain reduction and colony supply allocation. With a continued passion for progress, this nation can realize a brighter, happier future.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Nathanael Booth and the Ring of Power, Part I
Dear Readers,
it is my pleasure to bring you the beginning of another Adventure of Benjamin Dobbs, this time guest-starring, as indicated by the title, Nathanael Booth. The story takes place on the campus of Covenant College in ('on' is more accurate) Lookout Mountain, Georgia. The college is real. So are many of the characters. Alas, the ring of power has yet to be discovered. Please forgive unintended inconsistencies with reality. The story is in no way crafted to offend, but to entertain. Enjoy.
"There are two great questions in college, both crude renditions of that historic interrogative, 'to be or not to be?'" announced Nathanael Booth, standing at the head of the table, and all eyes were upon him as he continued.
"The first is, will my classes ever be of any practical value in the real world. The answer to that question is an intriguing mix of yes and no -- yes, because the real world is just as eager to demand pointless exercises and trials as college, and no, because no one really needs to know the name of our neighboring galaxies.
The second question is, do I starve or eat Graphgood's? To that question, alas, I still seek the answer. But today, I eat."
Nathanael set his loaded tray down on the table, sloshing a few drops of cappuccino into his egg-beaters, and seated himself carefully, his hat and coat already resting on the back of the chair. Breakfast in the Great Hall was always an adventure of sorts, prepared as it was by the dining service Graphgoods. One never knew exactly what to expect.
"Betelgeuse -- or is that a star?" murmured Benjamin Dobbs, as he attempted to spread grape jam onto a half a biscuit, and succeeded in mutilating it. "Anyway, I would certainly like to go there, and you can't like to go someplace without knowing what it's called."
"My dear sir, I most certainly can. If I wish to go to a place of rest and relaxation, I don't need to know that it's called 'my suite with Bob Dylan playing on the stereo.'"
"But could you find that place without its name?" asked Graybeard, engaging in melee combat with his hashbrowns.
"Ah! Would not a rose, by any other name, smell as sweet?" smiled Nathanael.
"Practically speaking, though, if you didn't know it was called 'rose,' you could never get one to smell," replied Graybeard, and they were off, two philosophy majors flexing their intellectual muscles. Nathanael never allowed himself to sound completely in earnest, always testing the boundaries and making no assumptions. Graybeard, eager and happy, with fluent speech rebounded from each attack to a sortie of his own. Benjamin ate his bacon and tossed in the occasional amateur fallacy that his friends graciously chose to ignore rather than squelch.
The few minutes of breakfast soon fled, and the three friends ended the conversation only to scarf down the last few bites they could before hurrying to class.
"Aack! What a place to keep a...a." Nathanael spat something from his mouth and fished it off of his tray, even as the other two stood up to go. Benjamin peered over the rim of his glass, grimacing as he hit the bitter dregs of his orange juice.
"What's that in your breakfast?"
"A ring...goodness, the places people put them nowadays."
"Perhaps someone is trying to propose?" Graybeard glanced here and there, catching the eyes of a few weary freshmen who still bothered to pay attention to what was going on around them in the Great Hall.
"Hang on to it and see if you can find whose it is," suggested Benjamin, leaning over Nathanael's shoulder and eying what appeared to be an expensive ring underneath its false-egg garnishing.
"Hmph," said Nathanael, chugging the last of his cappuccino as they hurried to the tray return. "I'll just put it through."
"But it could be worth a lot. Here," Benjamin took Graybeard's water-glass. "Rinse!"
Nathanael rinsed. "I suppose it might look good on me, now that you mention it," he allowed.
"Goodness, Nathanael, it's you!" exclaimed Graybeard, examining the piece.
The ring had a broad silver band with a strange design cut into a swath in its center. The band widened to a circular head, which was set with a ruby stone.
"Are those letters around the stone?" asked Graybeard as the three left Carter Lobby, their book bags slung at various awkward angles, squinting at the sunrise and pulling light jackets tighter about them. It was barely fall, but the morning breezes were still cold.
"I hadn't noticed those," said Benjamin, and the two leaned in over Nathanael's shoulders as he obligingly rubbed egg-beater remnants from the ring.
"Latin," said Graybeard decidedly, and Nathanael nodded. Benjamin was opening his mouth to read the words aloud when the sound of an engine coming up behind them brought them all about in surprise, just in time to see a bright yellow taxicab jump the curb and slide, slinging turf, onto the sidewalk. All but the most dedicated and tired turned and stared as the cab squealed to a halt beside the three friends.
"Holy cow!" exclaimed Benjamin.
"Good grief!" gasped Graybeard.
"I'll say," commented Nathanael.
The window of the cab rolled down, and from behind a stogie and beneath a flat cap spoke a fat face with a long pointy nose.
"Where to, doc?" It asked.
it is my pleasure to bring you the beginning of another Adventure of Benjamin Dobbs, this time guest-starring, as indicated by the title, Nathanael Booth. The story takes place on the campus of Covenant College in ('on' is more accurate) Lookout Mountain, Georgia. The college is real. So are many of the characters. Alas, the ring of power has yet to be discovered. Please forgive unintended inconsistencies with reality. The story is in no way crafted to offend, but to entertain. Enjoy.
"There are two great questions in college, both crude renditions of that historic interrogative, 'to be or not to be?'" announced Nathanael Booth, standing at the head of the table, and all eyes were upon him as he continued.
"The first is, will my classes ever be of any practical value in the real world. The answer to that question is an intriguing mix of yes and no -- yes, because the real world is just as eager to demand pointless exercises and trials as college, and no, because no one really needs to know the name of our neighboring galaxies.
The second question is, do I starve or eat Graphgood's? To that question, alas, I still seek the answer. But today, I eat."
Nathanael set his loaded tray down on the table, sloshing a few drops of cappuccino into his egg-beaters, and seated himself carefully, his hat and coat already resting on the back of the chair. Breakfast in the Great Hall was always an adventure of sorts, prepared as it was by the dining service Graphgoods. One never knew exactly what to expect.
"Betelgeuse -- or is that a star?" murmured Benjamin Dobbs, as he attempted to spread grape jam onto a half a biscuit, and succeeded in mutilating it. "Anyway, I would certainly like to go there, and you can't like to go someplace without knowing what it's called."
"My dear sir, I most certainly can. If I wish to go to a place of rest and relaxation, I don't need to know that it's called 'my suite with Bob Dylan playing on the stereo.'"
"But could you find that place without its name?" asked Graybeard, engaging in melee combat with his hashbrowns.
"Ah! Would not a rose, by any other name, smell as sweet?" smiled Nathanael.
"Practically speaking, though, if you didn't know it was called 'rose,' you could never get one to smell," replied Graybeard, and they were off, two philosophy majors flexing their intellectual muscles. Nathanael never allowed himself to sound completely in earnest, always testing the boundaries and making no assumptions. Graybeard, eager and happy, with fluent speech rebounded from each attack to a sortie of his own. Benjamin ate his bacon and tossed in the occasional amateur fallacy that his friends graciously chose to ignore rather than squelch.
The few minutes of breakfast soon fled, and the three friends ended the conversation only to scarf down the last few bites they could before hurrying to class.
"Aack! What a place to keep a...a." Nathanael spat something from his mouth and fished it off of his tray, even as the other two stood up to go. Benjamin peered over the rim of his glass, grimacing as he hit the bitter dregs of his orange juice.
"What's that in your breakfast?"
"A ring...goodness, the places people put them nowadays."
"Perhaps someone is trying to propose?" Graybeard glanced here and there, catching the eyes of a few weary freshmen who still bothered to pay attention to what was going on around them in the Great Hall.
"Hang on to it and see if you can find whose it is," suggested Benjamin, leaning over Nathanael's shoulder and eying what appeared to be an expensive ring underneath its false-egg garnishing.
"Hmph," said Nathanael, chugging the last of his cappuccino as they hurried to the tray return. "I'll just put it through."
"But it could be worth a lot. Here," Benjamin took Graybeard's water-glass. "Rinse!"
Nathanael rinsed. "I suppose it might look good on me, now that you mention it," he allowed.
"Goodness, Nathanael, it's you!" exclaimed Graybeard, examining the piece.
The ring had a broad silver band with a strange design cut into a swath in its center. The band widened to a circular head, which was set with a ruby stone.
"Are those letters around the stone?" asked Graybeard as the three left Carter Lobby, their book bags slung at various awkward angles, squinting at the sunrise and pulling light jackets tighter about them. It was barely fall, but the morning breezes were still cold.
"I hadn't noticed those," said Benjamin, and the two leaned in over Nathanael's shoulders as he obligingly rubbed egg-beater remnants from the ring.
"Latin," said Graybeard decidedly, and Nathanael nodded. Benjamin was opening his mouth to read the words aloud when the sound of an engine coming up behind them brought them all about in surprise, just in time to see a bright yellow taxicab jump the curb and slide, slinging turf, onto the sidewalk. All but the most dedicated and tired turned and stared as the cab squealed to a halt beside the three friends.
"Holy cow!" exclaimed Benjamin.
"Good grief!" gasped Graybeard.
"I'll say," commented Nathanael.
The window of the cab rolled down, and from behind a stogie and beneath a flat cap spoke a fat face with a long pointy nose.
"Where to, doc?" It asked.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Textual Criticism
My new bell number is __________
That's how it started, about a week ago. I laughed at whoever had texted me and flipped my phone closed. Then it buzzed again.
This time there was a name, followed by the number. I knew one person who had the first name given, but the second name was uncapitalized, unfamiliar, and, by the wording of the message could have been a dramatic typo of a part of the sentence, not a name after all. I wondered if I should call the number, but why bother? The first time one of us wanted to get in touch with each other, we would find out whether my mystery texter had the correct number or not.
That all changed a few days later.
My phone buzzed early in the morning. I was downstairs at the computer waking up.
My mom's in the emergency room. Pray for us.
The urgency and frustration caught me a hefty blow in the stomach region, as I realized that if this was someone I knew, I wanted to know who it was right away. I should have called then, but if whoever it was didn't have time to call, they certainly didn't want me calling them while their mom was in the ER (especially if we didn't even know each other).
So I prayed for whoever it was' mom, and sent the following, rather obscure message on facebook to the friend whom I thought might be the culprit.
Hey bro, how are you and your family? I'm keeping you in my prayers.
I felt this message would convey situation-appropriate sentiments and actions for either a normal situation, or one of my friend's mother being in serious medical trouble. I spent the rest of that day waiting for a response. Not only did I receive none, but my acute Facebook stalking skills told me that my friend had no activity at all that day. I decided to call the number back soon thereafter, which turned out to be this evening, a good 36 hours after the startling text.
The initial exchange was the type you expect from two people, both at least partially expecting someone else, one of whom is in the middle of something else and not expecting to be called upon to understand convolutions of any variety.
We finally sorted out that this person was indeed the name mentioned in the text, and had no idea who I was. It was time to go...
"Sorry to ask this, but," said I, with grace typical of myself on the telephone, "how's your mom?"
I was gratified to hear she is much improved.
"Well, that's great. And I was praying for her."
Turns out my new acquaintance thought my number was one of his pastor's.
(This just goes to show you that you really never know who is praying for you.)
"Well, if I ever call you by accident again, I'll know who you are!" said my new friend, and we said goodbye.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Don't Be Scared...
...though the word "test" may be used in this post, it has nothing to do with the hideous, bloodstained, parasitic apparitions that live off of human toil and tears and then, when they've finished all of those, polish off hopes and dreams.
Unless, of course, you studied enough beforehand.
No, these are actually pretty fun.
Another reason you might be scared, but shouldn't be, is that the site I'm directing you to is apparently a dating service. I'm not sure why the items I'm interested in are kept there, but as far as I can tell they have absolutely nothing to do with meeting compatible people.
Blog Rater
This one allows you to put in a website and get a rating. This blog, for instance, is rated PG for two uses of the word "Hell" and one of the word "gun." Of course, it's now probably PG-13 for an added use of each of those words...anyway, that was interesting and useful, and the site composes a little html code so you can paste the rating onto your blog if you want to. Yay.
Your Chance of Surviving a Zombie Apolcalypse
That's right, with this you can compute your chances of surviving a zombie apocalypse (You can also learn how to spell the word 'apocalypse' here. I did!)
I took it yesterday. I had a 56% chance of surviving, I think.
How Much Are You Worth -- Dead?
This one calculates, I know not how accurately, how much someone could get for selling your body as a cadaver. I find it morbidly humorous.(Allow me to say that by posting this I am not at all trying to be offensive or disrespectful.) I am apparently worth $5115. That's not much, if you think about it in perspective.
Finally, there's my personal favorite:
How Much of a Geek are You?
I dare you all, dear readers, to take this one. Some of you I will solicit personally if you take too long. Post your scores here. Don't be shy!
Oh, yes, I'm 58% Geek...and I didn' cheat much at all! I'm a little disappointed I didn't score higher. Oh well.
Unless, of course, you studied enough beforehand.
No, these are actually pretty fun.
Another reason you might be scared, but shouldn't be, is that the site I'm directing you to is apparently a dating service. I'm not sure why the items I'm interested in are kept there, but as far as I can tell they have absolutely nothing to do with meeting compatible people.
Blog Rater
This one allows you to put in a website and get a rating. This blog, for instance, is rated PG for two uses of the word "Hell" and one of the word "gun." Of course, it's now probably PG-13 for an added use of each of those words...anyway, that was interesting and useful, and the site composes a little html code so you can paste the rating onto your blog if you want to. Yay.
Your Chance of Surviving a Zombie Apolcalypse
That's right, with this you can compute your chances of surviving a zombie apocalypse (You can also learn how to spell the word 'apocalypse' here. I did!)
I took it yesterday. I had a 56% chance of surviving, I think.
How Much Are You Worth -- Dead?
This one calculates, I know not how accurately, how much someone could get for selling your body as a cadaver. I find it morbidly humorous.(Allow me to say that by posting this I am not at all trying to be offensive or disrespectful.) I am apparently worth $5115. That's not much, if you think about it in perspective.
Finally, there's my personal favorite:
How Much of a Geek are You?
I dare you all, dear readers, to take this one. Some of you I will solicit personally if you take too long. Post your scores here. Don't be shy!
Oh, yes, I'm 58% Geek...and I didn' cheat much at all! I'm a little disappointed I didn't score higher. Oh well.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
I Judge this Serendipitous
The following is an anecdote which will hopefully edify my readers.
This afternoon I was thinking. I do that occasionally, and today I stayed home from church in the morning and evening because I am ill. So, sometime this evening I was on our back porch reading a re-write of Jonathan Edward's sermon entitled "God at Work," but my mind, at least at times, was elsewhere.
I was considering a series of events and conversations which had transpired over the past year which had caused my to look more closely at what all this judging and not judging in the Bible is about. My thoughts this afternoon were along the lines of realizing that I really didn't know where the Bible stood. I thought it would be nice to get some reading material and study up on it. That was page, oh, 66, where Pastor Edwards was talking about pride being a big snare for people in a revival.
Yeah, I sure have the pride, I thought to myself, not making the connection between pride and looking down on other people. I mean, if God says something is a sin, and someone does it, then I can consider it to be, or "judge" it, if you will, to be a sin, right? Well, my pride in being a sin-detector extraordinaire was probably oozing out my pores, and some notion that it was a problem for me filtered through my grey matter as I read. Then I got to page 71.
read the heading.
I'm not the kind to get all exited about things like this (that's why I'm writing it up on my blog), so I just thanked God for his amazing providence which had in this case saved me a trip to the church library, and helped get my mind back on what I was reading. Pastor Edward's primary point was that God, and only God, sees the heart, and we as people have neither the ability or the right to declare a professing Christian an unbeliever. Pastor Edwards is rather straightforward, which is probably a good thing for me:
He proceeded on page 72 to toss in a list of Bible verses to show the truth of his statements.
I am also concerned that I will get spoiled by these reading materials materializing in front of me right after I am prompted to study them. But it certainly is nice.
My only real concern is that tricky "living good lives" statement, which is never qualified. My readers' thoughts, applicable Scripture verses, and other such comments are welcomed.
Meanwhile, enjoy the serendipity
God at Work was prepared by Gary Benfold. © 1995 Grace Publications Trust.
This afternoon I was thinking. I do that occasionally, and today I stayed home from church in the morning and evening because I am ill. So, sometime this evening I was on our back porch reading a re-write of Jonathan Edward's sermon entitled "God at Work," but my mind, at least at times, was elsewhere.
I was considering a series of events and conversations which had transpired over the past year which had caused my to look more closely at what all this judging and not judging in the Bible is about. My thoughts this afternoon were along the lines of realizing that I really didn't know where the Bible stood. I thought it would be nice to get some reading material and study up on it. That was page, oh, 66, where Pastor Edwards was talking about pride being a big snare for people in a revival.
Yeah, I sure have the pride, I thought to myself, not making the connection between pride and looking down on other people. I mean, if God says something is a sin, and someone does it, then I can consider it to be, or "judge" it, if you will, to be a sin, right? Well, my pride in being a sin-detector extraordinaire was probably oozing out my pores, and some notion that it was a problem for me filtered through my grey matter as I read. Then I got to page 71.
C. Let us beware of judging others,
read the heading.
I'm not the kind to get all exited about things like this (that's why I'm writing it up on my blog), so I just thanked God for his amazing providence which had in this case saved me a trip to the church library, and helped get my mind back on what I was reading. Pastor Edward's primary point was that God, and only God, sees the heart, and we as people have neither the ability or the right to declare a professing Christian an unbeliever. Pastor Edwards is rather straightforward, which is probably a good thing for me:
"We will see that declaring people to be unconverted who claim to be Christians and are living good lives is forbidden by Christ in the New Testament. Since he forbids it, his disciples must not do it."
He proceeded on page 72 to toss in a list of Bible verses to show the truth of his statements.
I am also concerned that I will get spoiled by these reading materials materializing in front of me right after I am prompted to study them. But it certainly is nice.
My only real concern is that tricky "living good lives" statement, which is never qualified. My readers' thoughts, applicable Scripture verses, and other such comments are welcomed.
Meanwhile, enjoy the serendipity
God at Work was prepared by Gary Benfold. © 1995 Grace Publications Trust.
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