Dear Readers,
Happy New Year, by the way.
I'm beginning to tire of finding creative but applicable ways of saying "said." I hope you aren't beginning to tire of reading them.
For part I, click here.
Here is part II.
And, of course, part three awaits you below.
Georgiana froze at the door. “Does this count as a time when a girl can get the door for a guy, or is it more...”
“Goodness gracious,” Graybeard exclaimed, slamming the door open for them, “do you really think we have time to discuss the rules of chivalry...”
“I don't know, it just seems like,” Georgie's yell dropped to a hissed whisper as they passed the second set of doors into the library at a run, “it might be even more important at a time like this when things are serious for the men to be...”
Benjamin couldn't help but laugh as they darted up the stairs, feet echoing in the confined space, dodging around two professors deep in conversation. “But that would put you at the back, and you'd be the first one they'd catch!”
“That's right!” exclaimed Georgie, “it's so hard to decide.”
“Friends!” wheezed Nathanael emphatically, “Lend me your ears!”
“What?” snapped Georgie, but she was laughing.
“Which way out?” replied the other.
“Oh! Left here, down the stairs, back door towards Sanderson.”
“Thank you! Now you may continue your argument.”
“No they can't!” huffed Graybeard, “what will we do if they're waiting outside?”
“I'll show them waiting outside,” smiled Nathanael, and he waved his hand as he ran, showing the ring on his finger.
“Oh, Nathanael, I didn't know! Who are you engaged to?” asked Georgie.
They ran in silence for a few moments. A few guffaws slipped from tight lips.
“That was awkward,” Georgie turned red, laughing at herself.
“M'dear,” Nathanael consoled her, as they pounded downstairs to the back door, “this ring is incomparably more agreeable than the variety to which you allude. Allow me to demonstrate.”
He stepped out the door and rubbed the ring.
“All clear for now,” said Benjamin from the corner.
“Not for long; I hear them behind us,” came Graybeard's report from the door.
“Ah, but I hear our ticket to escape!” exclaimed Nathanael, and he had barely gotten the words out of his mouth when the bright yellow taxi cut off a truck pulling into the campus, rumbled up the hill, and screeched to a halt in front of the students.
The cabbie was working furiously on a new stogie, and his cap was pulled down flush with his eyes. “Where to doc, and don't take all day deciding this time, I've got places to be.”
“Away!” said Nathanael, hopping into the back.
“This...this is what the ring...this is why the chapel lawn...where are we going to....?” asked Georgie as the others piled in.
“Shotgun, Georgie, and make it quick!” shouted Benjamin. The back door of the library slammed open and two of the men in the suits ran out. At the same time, one emerged around each side of the library.
Georgie wrung her hands, grumbled something about stress, and jumped in beside the cabbie, barely getting her feet in before the cab was squealing forward.
The first thing Georgie saw when she looked up was one of the men in suits running straight at them.
“Look out!” shouted Graybeard, pounding on the cabbie's seatback. The cabbie grimaced, gripping his stogie with his teeth, and spun the wheel, spinning the cab in a cloud of tire smoke and sending it shooting the other way. They took the hill past Sanderson at about thirty, smashed through a shrub into the parking circle, and were already making about fifty when they hit the highway.
Benjamin and Graybeard buckled their seatbelts.
Georgie hyperventilated.
Nathanael folded his gloves and took off his hat.
“Told yous guys I had places to be, didn't I?” grumbled the cabbie as he drove, “Almost got us all killed.”
“Almost got him killed, you mean!” retorted Graybeard.
“Whatchya mean, doc? He wouldn'ta had a scratch. Not those guys.
“What do you mean?” asked Benjamin.
“About the only thing those guys can't handle is garlic. That one woulda peeled my hood like a banana, and you'd still be cryin' for your mommas.”
“Graphic!” Nathanael ran a hand through his hair, then began drumming on the door, watching the landscape hurry by. “I say, where exactly are we going?”
The cabbie slammed on the breaks. “You's the boss.”
“I've got class,” said Benjamin.
“I'm late for work,” admitted Georgie.
“Back to campus, then,” sighed Graybeard, “if you don't mind, that is.”
“You's the boss!” repeated the cabbie, “those guys'll be gone now.”
“Spoil-sports,” whispered Nathanael as the cabbie turned around.
Halfway back to campus, Georgie turned to the Cabbie with a friendly smile. “My name's Georgiana Vurner.”
“I'm so happy for you,” spat the lips.
Benjamin had a coughing fit in the back seat.
“I almost forgot!” said the cabbie as they piled out in Mac circle, glancing suspiciously up at the library. The groundspeople were there, shaking their heads at the tire marks, but no men in black suits.
“You's guys get the frequent user promo:” he grabbed a tin from beneath his seat and popped the lid. Inside were a collection of cigars.
“Oops,” said the Cabbie, and he rummaged for another tin.
This one contained rings.
Benjamin dug around with his hand.
“Come on, come on,” growled the cabbie.
Benjamin selected a ring with some sort of symbol overlaying a banner.
Graybeard took one with a jagged star burst design.
The cabbie slapped the lid back on.
“Hey!” said Georgie. “What about us?”
“Mister hat-and-gloves 'as already got one. One only, that's the rules. And you are no frequent user. You was only here this time. Now see ya!” and he roared away.
“Nice meeting you too,” rumbled Georgie.
The four watched the cab disappear and then Georgie and Nathanael turned their attention to Graybeard and Benjamin.
“Who wants to try theirs first?” asked Georgie.
“You can go, Graybeard,” offered Benjamin.
“Well if you insist so strongly...” Graybeard rubbed his ring. Immediately, a shadow fell over the little group. A rumble started somewhere above them, grew, and turned into a cascading crackling, popping sound. The air was thick with electricity.
Georgie and Benjamin moaned under their breath. Booth opened his umbrella. Graybeard grinned nervously.
“Aaaahh!” screamed Georgie, throwing her hands over her head.
“It's like, a thousand white messengers of...buttery goodness!” laughed Benjamin.
“Manna from heaven!” agreed Graybeard.
Nathanael peeked out from under his umbrella, caught a falling kernel, and chewed it slowly.
“No salt. How disappointing.”
The popcorn storm ended almost as soon as it had began, and covered only a small area. Passing students barely gave it a second glance. Clearly, someone had just dumped a bag of popcorn out their window.
“Well, Benjamin,” sighed Graybeard, “let's see yours.”
Fifteen minutes later they were still trying to get Benjamin's ring to work.
“Weeeee could try rubbing it underwater,” suggested Georgie.
“We tried that while you were on the phone,” sighed Graybeard.
“Oh.”
Nathanael laughed. “I know, maybe it responds to a vocal command. Open Sesame! Ring around the rosy! A gold ring in a pig's snout! Silver bells are ring-ing...” they all stared at the ground. “Well, I'm sure we'll find out what it does someday,” comforted Nathanael. “At least there's still a chance it's better than Graybeard's.”
“His is practical!” retorted Benjamin angrily, but then he grinned, “no more microwave stuff for us!”
“Well, guys, this has been fun, but I'm really late for work,” said Georgie, and they all scattered to their scholarly occupations.
A few minutes later, a golfcart pulled into the campus off the highway. Onboard it sat four figures in dark suits and glasses. Each one placed a strange, wand-like object inside his coat as the cart stopped,
and then they headed off in different directions.
Nathanael was whistling as he finished his day's work in Technology Services and strolled back to Maclellan Hall. It had been a busy but productive day, and he was satisfied. Who wouldn't be, with a magic ring on their finger? As he neared the entrance, he saw a few men of Sutherland poking their heads out the windows, black waterguns at the ready for anyone they wanted to prank.
Benjamin was in his room on the second floor of Mac Hall, sorting books as he prepared to go study. Victorious shouts of laughter from across the hall told him that his fellow Sutherlanders had shot another unsuspecting victim from the window. He ducked across the hall to see who it had been. The guys were draped across the furniture in stitches of laughter. It took Benjamin a good minute to get an explanation out of them.
One started to explain. “We were aiming for a girl, and, and we hit this guy in a black suit.” Benjamin froze. “He was like, administration or something. He whipped off his sunglasses and looked so mad!”
“Where did he go?” asked Benjamin, dead serious.
“To the front of Mac, I guess...why?” but Benjamin was already gone.
As he rounded the corner of the hall, heading for the stairs, the elevator door chimed and slid open. Not one, but two men in black suits and dark glasses gazed through it at him. He crashed through the door into the stairwell, his shaking hands dialing Graybeard's number as he sprinted up to the third floor – Nathanael's floor.
“Graybeard, it's Benjamin; the men in the suits are on the hall; call Georgie, tell her to meet us...to meet us at the road out back. I'm going to get Nathanael.” he flipped his phone shut as he rushed down the hallway. He pounded on Nathanael's locked door, but there was no response.
“Look, I'll be glad to open it...” Nathanael began to joke, walking up behind him.
Benjamin jumped and gasped. “Nathanael, you scared me to death. How'd you get up here?”
“The back stairs, why?”
“The men in the suits...” down the hall, the elevator dinged. Benjamin quietly thanked God for the slow Mac elevators as the doors opened, disgorging the two black figures.
“So much for a quiet evening with Bob Dylan, I suppose,” muttered Nathanael, and they ran the other way, for the back stairwell.
They burst out of the back doors at a run and headed down the steps for the access road, looking around for the others. They were nowhere to be seen.
Nathanael pulled off a glove, “What do you think, should I use it now?”
“We should wait; the cabbie might leave and not come back if we tried to make him stick around for Graybeard and Georgie.”
“We can't wait much longer; those blacksuits are gaining on us.” The two students broke into a run up the access road.
It was at that moment that they heard a call behind them. Graybeard and Georgie were coming along the road from the other direction, not noticing the two blacksuits about to enter the road almost on top of them.
“We're boxed in,” mused Nathanael, as Benjamin hand-motioned frantically, trying to warn the others.
“Now will someone explain why I was so rudely jerked from a stimulating conversation, to kidnap a girl (not that I dislike your company, of course, Miss Vurner)?” began Graybeard.
“Look!” Benjamin pointed with both arms. The blacksuits were spreading out, surrounding them, and they drew short, shiny black wands from their coats.
“What do we do, guys?” whispered Georgie. The four formed a circle, back to back.
“Other than pray?” hissed Graybeard.
“If only I had my staff,” muttered Benjamin.
“Just a little longer...” whispered Nathanael. The blacksuit facing him walked forward, and, with a smirk, extended his wand.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Nathanael Booth and the Ring of Power, Part II
Dear Readers,
It is a truth, and not a sad one, that I too must live out my life, as do my characters. The sad part is when my life does not involve recounting theirs. If I had nothing else to do but write, this would have been posted long ago. But if I never did anything but write, I would have nothing to write about. So, with that convoluted excuse for the delay, please enjoy this second segment. To see the first installment, click here The rest, I truly hope, will follow quickly on its heels.
"I suppose it was about time they took me away," muttered Nathanael, as the motor of the cab rumbled, interrupting the crows in their good-mornings, and sending echoes off the chapel walls. Students across the lawn stared in surprise, but a few were already turning away to hurry on to their classes. Stranger things had happened.
"Excuse me?" said Benjamin after a moment.
"You're excused," murmured Nathanael, pacing back and forth behind the other two, taking off his hat to run a gloved hand through his hair.
"What's the matter? Don't you's guys know where you're headed?" the lips spat out from around the stogie. "If so, please, say so; I 'aven't got all day, y'know."
"I think you've made some mistake," stammered Graybeard.
"No! Wait!" shouted Nathanael, clapping his hat back on his head and stepping forward.
"Where exactly can you take us?"
The face scrunched itself up even more, almost swallowing the stogie in cheek and chin.
"Where exactly can you pay for, doc?"
"Rates?" inquired Nathanael casually, drawing out his wallet, his umbrella hanging in the crook of his right elbow. But in his other hand the ring still lay, and he played with it as he flipped open the wallet.
"Nathanael!" interrupted Benjamin, "what...?"
"Who you trying to fool, doc?" asked the cabbie. "That ring'll get you's guys wherever you wanna go."
"Then Sanderson, good man, and make it quick; we're late for class." Nathanael opened the rear door and turned, motioning his friends inside.
"You're joking," said Graybeard flatly.
"You're late for class," tempted Nathanael.
Benjamin glanced around, shrugged, and dove into the cab. "Anyway, why not?" he laughed, and stuck his head back out to grin at Graybeard. "Come on!"
"For Pete's sake!" laughed Graybeard, but he followed Benjamin into the cab. Nathanael hopped in, compressing the other two, and slammed the door. "Drive on!" he exclaimed, tapping his umbrella on the back of the driver's seat.
"Don't get prissy, doc," came the reply, and the cab leaped forward, spewing turf behind it.
"Oh! Drive carefully or you'll tear up the lawn!" entreated Nathanael, but to no avail. ("What'd'ya think this is, landscaping service?" grumbled the cabbie.)
It took perhaps thirty seconds to cross the lawn, squeeze past the library, and arrive at Sanderson Hall. The three students piled out, Benjamin turning red as he noticed others staring at them.
"Come on!" he whispered, tugging on Nathanael's jacket-sleeve.
"Well! Thank you!" said Nathanael, leaning down to speak into the cabbie's window.
"D'mention't," the cabbie revved the engine.
"Any chance you could wait around for an hour and...um...pick us up?" ventured Nathanael, throwing his arms into the air in a gesture of wild speculation, the ring still in one hand.
The cabbie rolled his eyes, and, removing his stogie, leaned out the window.
"This is a cab, bub, not a limo. See ya." And with a roar of the old engine, he was gone, dropping off the curb at the bottom of the hill and squealing onto Scenic Highway.
"None too soon; let's get inside," said Graybeard, grabbing Nathanael by the shoulder with one arm and motioning towards an approaching staff golf cart with the other. The three entered the building and rushed to their respective classes, hoping no one had recognized them in the cab. Nathanael, as he removed his gloves, dropped the ring into one of them.
“Gentlemen, I have let fall the proverbial legume side dish,” grinned Graybeard as they regrouped in Sanderson lobby after class.
“Spilled the beans?” Nathanael forced a chuckle, nodding his chin at his friend, “that's terrible.”
“Yes, I ought to have said it,” laughed Benjamin, and then, speaking past Graybeard, “Georgiana Vurner! What are you up to?”
“I think she's the one upon which our friend let fall...” began Nathanael.
“Let's go take a look at the chapel lawn!” interrupted Georgie, “I want to see the wrathful looks on the faces of the ground's team,” her whole face contributed a huge smile and she bounced, hands clasped in front of her, but then suddenly her hands and face fell, “this makes me sad, though, guys. You'll be doing so much Practical Service to make up for it I'll never get to see you anymore.”
“I assure you, we had nothing to do with it, m'dear,” said Nathanael, at the same time ramming through the difficult Sanderson doors and motioning them on with his umbrella. “It was entirely due to the cabbie's driving.”
“And by the way, Nathanael?” said Georgie as they exited the building, “what you were about to say about Graybeard spilling beans on me is a little grose.”
The walk from Sanderson to the chapel lawn was a short one.
“I've got to be in the library for work anyway,” noted Georgie, “this will be...oh...my...goodness!”
She had been correct in her prediction of the groundspeople's dispositions. They mulled about beside their maintenance cart, shaking their fuming heads, as several men in suits examined the tracks and conversed with each other. The cab had torn four deep swaths through the sod all the way across the lawn. Pieces of turf were lying everywhere.
“Maybe they'll pay us for aerating, but somehow I don't think so,” murmured Benjamin.
Graybeard sighed. “Why did I get into the cab?”
“Chin up,” said Nathanael, his voice, for once, almost serious, “they don't know it was us, yet.”
“Are you sure about that?” Georgie giggled nervously, “because they're coming this way.”
“What?” gasped Benjamin.
It was only too true. The men in the suits were walking, four abreast, straight for the four friends. There was no one else near them; the men must have been told who it was rode the cab across the lawn.
“Since when does the administration wear sunglasses?” asked Georgie, backing towards the library door.
“Do you recognize any of them?” Graybeard asked suddenly, sharply.
The others replied in the negative and began backing with Georgie.
“Guys?” whispered Georgie, “are they running at us?”
“Booth, the ring!” shouted Graybeard.
“No, no time,” snapped Benjamin. The men were almost to them, coattails flying in the breeze, polished black shoes tossing dew with each purposeful stride.
It is a truth, and not a sad one, that I too must live out my life, as do my characters. The sad part is when my life does not involve recounting theirs. If I had nothing else to do but write, this would have been posted long ago. But if I never did anything but write, I would have nothing to write about. So, with that convoluted excuse for the delay, please enjoy this second segment. To see the first installment, click here The rest, I truly hope, will follow quickly on its heels.
"I suppose it was about time they took me away," muttered Nathanael, as the motor of the cab rumbled, interrupting the crows in their good-mornings, and sending echoes off the chapel walls. Students across the lawn stared in surprise, but a few were already turning away to hurry on to their classes. Stranger things had happened.
"Excuse me?" said Benjamin after a moment.
"You're excused," murmured Nathanael, pacing back and forth behind the other two, taking off his hat to run a gloved hand through his hair.
"What's the matter? Don't you's guys know where you're headed?" the lips spat out from around the stogie. "If so, please, say so; I 'aven't got all day, y'know."
"I think you've made some mistake," stammered Graybeard.
"No! Wait!" shouted Nathanael, clapping his hat back on his head and stepping forward.
"Where exactly can you take us?"
The face scrunched itself up even more, almost swallowing the stogie in cheek and chin.
"Where exactly can you pay for, doc?"
"Rates?" inquired Nathanael casually, drawing out his wallet, his umbrella hanging in the crook of his right elbow. But in his other hand the ring still lay, and he played with it as he flipped open the wallet.
"Nathanael!" interrupted Benjamin, "what...?"
"Who you trying to fool, doc?" asked the cabbie. "That ring'll get you's guys wherever you wanna go."
"Then Sanderson, good man, and make it quick; we're late for class." Nathanael opened the rear door and turned, motioning his friends inside.
"You're joking," said Graybeard flatly.
"You're late for class," tempted Nathanael.
Benjamin glanced around, shrugged, and dove into the cab. "Anyway, why not?" he laughed, and stuck his head back out to grin at Graybeard. "Come on!"
"For Pete's sake!" laughed Graybeard, but he followed Benjamin into the cab. Nathanael hopped in, compressing the other two, and slammed the door. "Drive on!" he exclaimed, tapping his umbrella on the back of the driver's seat.
"Don't get prissy, doc," came the reply, and the cab leaped forward, spewing turf behind it.
"Oh! Drive carefully or you'll tear up the lawn!" entreated Nathanael, but to no avail. ("What'd'ya think this is, landscaping service?" grumbled the cabbie.)
It took perhaps thirty seconds to cross the lawn, squeeze past the library, and arrive at Sanderson Hall. The three students piled out, Benjamin turning red as he noticed others staring at them.
"Come on!" he whispered, tugging on Nathanael's jacket-sleeve.
"Well! Thank you!" said Nathanael, leaning down to speak into the cabbie's window.
"D'mention't," the cabbie revved the engine.
"Any chance you could wait around for an hour and...um...pick us up?" ventured Nathanael, throwing his arms into the air in a gesture of wild speculation, the ring still in one hand.
The cabbie rolled his eyes, and, removing his stogie, leaned out the window.
"This is a cab, bub, not a limo. See ya." And with a roar of the old engine, he was gone, dropping off the curb at the bottom of the hill and squealing onto Scenic Highway.
"None too soon; let's get inside," said Graybeard, grabbing Nathanael by the shoulder with one arm and motioning towards an approaching staff golf cart with the other. The three entered the building and rushed to their respective classes, hoping no one had recognized them in the cab. Nathanael, as he removed his gloves, dropped the ring into one of them.
“Gentlemen, I have let fall the proverbial legume side dish,” grinned Graybeard as they regrouped in Sanderson lobby after class.
“Spilled the beans?” Nathanael forced a chuckle, nodding his chin at his friend, “that's terrible.”
“Yes, I ought to have said it,” laughed Benjamin, and then, speaking past Graybeard, “Georgiana Vurner! What are you up to?”
“I think she's the one upon which our friend let fall...” began Nathanael.
“Let's go take a look at the chapel lawn!” interrupted Georgie, “I want to see the wrathful looks on the faces of the ground's team,” her whole face contributed a huge smile and she bounced, hands clasped in front of her, but then suddenly her hands and face fell, “this makes me sad, though, guys. You'll be doing so much Practical Service to make up for it I'll never get to see you anymore.”
“I assure you, we had nothing to do with it, m'dear,” said Nathanael, at the same time ramming through the difficult Sanderson doors and motioning them on with his umbrella. “It was entirely due to the cabbie's driving.”
“And by the way, Nathanael?” said Georgie as they exited the building, “what you were about to say about Graybeard spilling beans on me is a little grose.”
The walk from Sanderson to the chapel lawn was a short one.
“I've got to be in the library for work anyway,” noted Georgie, “this will be...oh...my...goodness!”
She had been correct in her prediction of the groundspeople's dispositions. They mulled about beside their maintenance cart, shaking their fuming heads, as several men in suits examined the tracks and conversed with each other. The cab had torn four deep swaths through the sod all the way across the lawn. Pieces of turf were lying everywhere.
“Maybe they'll pay us for aerating, but somehow I don't think so,” murmured Benjamin.
Graybeard sighed. “Why did I get into the cab?”
“Chin up,” said Nathanael, his voice, for once, almost serious, “they don't know it was us, yet.”
“Are you sure about that?” Georgie giggled nervously, “because they're coming this way.”
“What?” gasped Benjamin.
It was only too true. The men in the suits were walking, four abreast, straight for the four friends. There was no one else near them; the men must have been told who it was rode the cab across the lawn.
“Since when does the administration wear sunglasses?” asked Georgie, backing towards the library door.
“Do you recognize any of them?” Graybeard asked suddenly, sharply.
The others replied in the negative and began backing with Georgie.
“Guys?” whispered Georgie, “are they running at us?”
“Booth, the ring!” shouted Graybeard.
“No, no time,” snapped Benjamin. The men were almost to them, coattails flying in the breeze, polished black shoes tossing dew with each purposeful stride.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
How To Compute Logarithm Errors
I'm rather proud of my choice of title. You are all probably thinking I called it something boring and scientific so that you would be surprised when it turned out to be light and entertaining. If these are your thoughts, you have been deceived. It's going to be just as boring as it sounds. But I wonder if this paragraph isn't going to make you believe even more that there's something interesting in this post.
Maybe you only think that way if you are me. Eternal optimism and such. But why tarry with rivulets of self-awareness? On to the boring reality at hand.
I'm working on my physics lab write-up, or at least I was until I started writing this. These write-ups occur, naturally, after the lab is completed. They are very useful. For instance, when I pick up my notes from lab, I find that I am in dire need of recalling, first, exactly what we were doing in the lab, second, why we were doing it, and, if I feel particularly important, third, why it worked. It's a good thing the third part is optional, because sometimes we break all the rules. Compile all the laws of nature that we've broken in Physics lab, and you'd probably vaporize due to a lack of intermolecular forces.
That said, the past few days of working on my write-up have been very productive. I've definitely made recollection one (singing Christmas carols). Step two is in progress (because we wanted to drown out the guys who were rapping). And step three is a no-brainer (because our prof. sang with us).
In fact, I've been so productive that I've actually made The Graph twice. The Graph is where I put all sorts of numbers into boxes in particular orders, then realize I put the wrong numbers in the wrong boxes, and try to fix it, only to make a different mistake. Finally, I get all the numbers in the right boxes, save the file to text and to j-peg, close it, realize I forgot to label my axis, and find that my simple graphing program, whose name is Linefit, cannot read the text file. Thus, I am working on the graph for the second time today. For various reasons which I prefer not to go into right now (Translation: I'm embarrassingly inefficient) I have computed nine different logarithms six times each. Any math major can tell you that's fifty-four computations. My calculator is groaning about the mundanity of life.
My calculator, however, has it easy. All it needs to run are four triple-As and a few of those natural laws that we break in lab every week. Its purpose is predetermined. It never had to go to school, and all I have to do is press the right buttons to teach it something new. It has cool circuitry, is a "silver edition," and was apparently born in Texas.
In contrast, I need things like internet and pizza just to exist; despite what some of my non-Reformed friends think, my purpose is predetermined, but I am not yet aware of the specifics; I most certainly do have to go to school; learning requires things like long study breaks to write blog entries; I have amazing circuitry but it's too small to see; there's no such thing as a silver edition of me; and I was born in Alabama.
All this about the superiority of life as a calculator and repetitious graphing aside, my real problem, until I started writing this blog, was how in the world I was supposed to propagate errors through a logarithm (now, it's how I'm ever going to stop writing and get back to work).
See, there's errors in everything. Ask a mathematician what he ate for breakfast, and he'll tell you 2-and-1-third strips of bacon, 1-and-3-eigths cups of grits, 1 cup of factory rejects cereal, and 1-thirds cup 2% milk. Ask a physicist (we do not respond well to 'physician'), and he'll tell you 2 plus-or-minus 1 cups of lucky charms (Factory rejects? Please!) and 1.67 plus-or-minus 0.05 cups of whole milk. As you can see, physicists have far too much on their plate to eat a lot for breakfast. In fact, I saw one eat his cereal standing up this morning because he had no time to sit down. I'm not kidding! In addition, physicists have much better taste in milk. But aside from this, the astute reader will notice, because I am about to point out to him or her, that the physicist included error bars. We use these all the time, plus or minus 5% of the time.
Getting measurement errors is easy. You simply turn to your lab partner and say "what error will be big enough to cover our mistakes, but small enough to make it look like we didn't really break all the laws of nature today?" I'm just kidding, of course. Really, what you do is estimate the largest possible error you could have made in carrying out the measurement, and then double it for good measure, because there's no way you can cover up that you just broke all the laws of nature, so you might as well not try.
Propagating error gets more difficult. First, the word "propagating" is easy to trip over, like a gate that's been propped open, or a propane tank you left out while tail-gating. Second, you forget how and, when you figure it out, you are so excited that you blog about it for an hour and get very sleepy.
Thankfully, I have written the rules in the beginning of my Physics notebook from last semester. As a faithful nerd, I have it with me in the computer lab, and so I can share with you the propagation rules.
When adding or subtracting values, simply add the errors. Subtracting errors may seem like a good idea at the time, but trust me, in the end you will regret it.
When multiplying or dividing, use a very large formula that you would have memorized by now if you were in Physics II, and which I do not know how to code in html, and so will not try! (If you are interested, I can whip it up on TeXnicCenter and send it to you in Adobe. And yes, TeXnicCenter is supposed to be spelled like that. To computer programmers and their strange typing ways I say, "w00t!").
These were the rules I remembered. Unfortunately, I couldn't recall what to do when taking a logarithmic function of something. But then I found it. Yes, dear readers, it's the moment you have all been waiting for:
Viola.
Now, if I can just get gravity turned back on, I'll try to finish my graph so that Linefit can eat it again. Life as a computer program must be so easy...
Maybe you only think that way if you are me. Eternal optimism and such. But why tarry with rivulets of self-awareness? On to the boring reality at hand.
I'm working on my physics lab write-up, or at least I was until I started writing this. These write-ups occur, naturally, after the lab is completed. They are very useful. For instance, when I pick up my notes from lab, I find that I am in dire need of recalling, first, exactly what we were doing in the lab, second, why we were doing it, and, if I feel particularly important, third, why it worked. It's a good thing the third part is optional, because sometimes we break all the rules. Compile all the laws of nature that we've broken in Physics lab, and you'd probably vaporize due to a lack of intermolecular forces.
That said, the past few days of working on my write-up have been very productive. I've definitely made recollection one (singing Christmas carols). Step two is in progress (because we wanted to drown out the guys who were rapping). And step three is a no-brainer (because our prof. sang with us).
In fact, I've been so productive that I've actually made The Graph twice. The Graph is where I put all sorts of numbers into boxes in particular orders, then realize I put the wrong numbers in the wrong boxes, and try to fix it, only to make a different mistake. Finally, I get all the numbers in the right boxes, save the file to text and to j-peg, close it, realize I forgot to label my axis, and find that my simple graphing program, whose name is Linefit, cannot read the text file. Thus, I am working on the graph for the second time today. For various reasons which I prefer not to go into right now (Translation: I'm embarrassingly inefficient) I have computed nine different logarithms six times each. Any math major can tell you that's fifty-four computations. My calculator is groaning about the mundanity of life.
My calculator, however, has it easy. All it needs to run are four triple-As and a few of those natural laws that we break in lab every week. Its purpose is predetermined. It never had to go to school, and all I have to do is press the right buttons to teach it something new. It has cool circuitry, is a "silver edition," and was apparently born in Texas.
In contrast, I need things like internet and pizza just to exist; despite what some of my non-Reformed friends think, my purpose is predetermined, but I am not yet aware of the specifics; I most certainly do have to go to school; learning requires things like long study breaks to write blog entries; I have amazing circuitry but it's too small to see; there's no such thing as a silver edition of me; and I was born in Alabama.
All this about the superiority of life as a calculator and repetitious graphing aside, my real problem, until I started writing this blog, was how in the world I was supposed to propagate errors through a logarithm (now, it's how I'm ever going to stop writing and get back to work).
See, there's errors in everything. Ask a mathematician what he ate for breakfast, and he'll tell you 2-and-1-third strips of bacon, 1-and-3-eigths cups of grits, 1 cup of factory rejects cereal, and 1-thirds cup 2% milk. Ask a physicist (we do not respond well to 'physician'), and he'll tell you 2 plus-or-minus 1 cups of lucky charms (Factory rejects? Please!) and 1.67 plus-or-minus 0.05 cups of whole milk. As you can see, physicists have far too much on their plate to eat a lot for breakfast. In fact, I saw one eat his cereal standing up this morning because he had no time to sit down. I'm not kidding! In addition, physicists have much better taste in milk. But aside from this, the astute reader will notice, because I am about to point out to him or her, that the physicist included error bars. We use these all the time, plus or minus 5% of the time.
Getting measurement errors is easy. You simply turn to your lab partner and say "what error will be big enough to cover our mistakes, but small enough to make it look like we didn't really break all the laws of nature today?" I'm just kidding, of course. Really, what you do is estimate the largest possible error you could have made in carrying out the measurement, and then double it for good measure, because there's no way you can cover up that you just broke all the laws of nature, so you might as well not try.
Propagating error gets more difficult. First, the word "propagating" is easy to trip over, like a gate that's been propped open, or a propane tank you left out while tail-gating. Second, you forget how and, when you figure it out, you are so excited that you blog about it for an hour and get very sleepy.
Thankfully, I have written the rules in the beginning of my Physics notebook from last semester. As a faithful nerd, I have it with me in the computer lab, and so I can share with you the propagation rules.
When adding or subtracting values, simply add the errors. Subtracting errors may seem like a good idea at the time, but trust me, in the end you will regret it.
When multiplying or dividing, use a very large formula that you would have memorized by now if you were in Physics II, and which I do not know how to code in html, and so will not try! (If you are interested, I can whip it up on TeXnicCenter and send it to you in Adobe. And yes, TeXnicCenter is supposed to be spelled like that. To computer programmers and their strange typing ways I say, "w00t!").
These were the rules I remembered. Unfortunately, I couldn't recall what to do when taking a logarithmic function of something. But then I found it. Yes, dear readers, it's the moment you have all been waiting for:
In order to propagate the error through a log function, simply divide the error of the original value by the value itself.
Viola.
Now, if I can just get gravity turned back on, I'll try to finish my graph so that Linefit can eat it again. Life as a computer program must be so easy...
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
In The King's Court
Dear Readers,
Below you will find the next in my series of self-plagiarisms. Written, again, for my introductory English composition course in the spring of 2006, this is probably my favorite paper of the semester simply due to its personal significance to me. Enjoy.
I have not seen an abundance of "turning points" and epiphanies in the course of my life. For the most part, I have lived in happy monotony, working and playing, thinking and sleeping; even the occasional surprise or crisis has been picayune -- a flat tire, a surprise party, a lost paper, or a broken bone. It took God Himself to drive home the idea of a turning point to me, at the age of nine, as I sat in tears at the end of a sermon, wondering why I had not understood how amazing God was before. Even this event had a string of mundane occurrences leading up to it. So can say I was surprised when two hours spent pecking away at the keyboard in our den changed how I wrote, dramatically and permanently; however, I cannot say I was surprised that there was a lifetime of experience and instruction behind this event.
It began with my parents reading me bedtime stories when I was but a little tyke, buried under the covers in body but journeying to far away places and adventures in spirit. If I sound like the advertisement on a Pizza Hut box to read to your children, so be it; it happened.
My parents have been reading to me since I was born -- they have not stopped yet! I grew up on Lewis, Verne, and the Bernstein's; dreamed of space voyages, unicorns, and small town mysteries; and even survived Moby Dick, lounging in my dad's study and watching my sister fall asleep. I learned words I could not yet pronounce, heard of places I was not sure existed, and packed away enough stories and characters in my head to last me a lifetime. I learned to take words listened to and turn them into ideas of people and places.
From ideas came images of the mind produced by one of my greatest pleasures: "pretending." I cannot count the times I have been surprised in my yard by a neighbor or family member, caught in the act of reliving stories I had heard, or crafting new ones. I wonder exactly what they thought I was doing, running around, waving my arms in the air, humming and talking to myself. Pretending was my method of writing stories from the time I could walk until the fall of 2003. I needed neither paper nor pen, grammar nor form. I lived the stories in real time, played all the parts, and lost myself in the adventure.
The motivation to write my first full-length story came from a writing course my parents signed me up for. Learn to Write the Novel Way was its name, and that was exactly what I did. It was nothing new for me to think up a story, but the knowledge that I would spend an entire year writing it down for all to see added nervous anticipation to my efforts. I wrote up the initial plot on half a page, entitled "A Novel Idea." It was not, actually. The story took place in seventeenth century England and the Caribbean. An aged admiral, decorated for his negotiation skills, is dispatched in command of a refitted merchant vessel to neutralize a pirate group acting under the British flag. I plotted out fourteen chapters, originated characters, and then prepared myself for the great moment -- the moment when I would actually begin to write the story.
I set apart a morning in which to write the first five pages. It was, thankfully for me, a sunny day. I think best in brilliant, unadulterated sunshine. Chapter outline in hand, I sat at the computer desk downstairs, fired up Word, and, a little giddy, began.
In some ways, it was like scuffing around on the front drive, pretending. But now I could go back after each sentence and live that moment of the story again. The story pulled me in, and the knowledge that it would receive a grade gave me caution. I described the scene carefully and thoroughly. I introduced Admiral Hambly to my imaginary reader with all dignity, yet with all the visual reality I could muster.
What I described was a scene symbolic of the turning point those two hours were to me. The admiral "strode" (I felt very proud of myself for using that word) down a corridor with his dignified fellows, soft red carpet under his feet, just as I had made the journey through stately pages and dreams in the company of my family. Soldiers at the end of the hall saluted the dignitaries and swung open the doors, revealing, to Admiral Hambly, the court of King Charles II, to me, a similar great chamber, full of great yet flawed people communicating desperately important truths. Hambly and I were there to join them, there to try our tongue and pen at their own game, and see if we could make a difference.
Ironically, what Hambly had to say was not so very important. And, by the end of the book, he almost despairs, seeing how useless his life has been. Regardless of this warning sign, I sat, at the end of my first two hours and five pages, my fingers aching and my hands quivering from excitement, knowing that my life had changed for good. I had begun to learn in those first two hours the beauty of description, the centrality of character, and the necessity of plot in a "good" story. Familiarity caused me to lose some of my excitement and caution in future chapters and books. I must fight for them now every time I write. I understand more and more that, if I am going to write, I had better have something important to say, and say it well. There are already too many cheap ideas and cheap deliveries.
But I learned something in those two hours that I hope will never leave me. I knew already how to translate words spoken into thoughts and ideas. I had discovered and refined already how to take those thoughts and ideas and make them sounds and images in my mind. Finally, that morning, I learned how to capture sounds and images in words, completing the cycle. I was equipped to begin making what had, in many ways, made me.
If I hold to the Truth I first learned in the second row at church, in my first epiphany, and work at conveying it, I can do lasting good with what I learned in The King's Court.
Below you will find the next in my series of self-plagiarisms. Written, again, for my introductory English composition course in the spring of 2006, this is probably my favorite paper of the semester simply due to its personal significance to me. Enjoy.
I have not seen an abundance of "turning points" and epiphanies in the course of my life. For the most part, I have lived in happy monotony, working and playing, thinking and sleeping; even the occasional surprise or crisis has been picayune -- a flat tire, a surprise party, a lost paper, or a broken bone. It took God Himself to drive home the idea of a turning point to me, at the age of nine, as I sat in tears at the end of a sermon, wondering why I had not understood how amazing God was before. Even this event had a string of mundane occurrences leading up to it. So can say I was surprised when two hours spent pecking away at the keyboard in our den changed how I wrote, dramatically and permanently; however, I cannot say I was surprised that there was a lifetime of experience and instruction behind this event.
It began with my parents reading me bedtime stories when I was but a little tyke, buried under the covers in body but journeying to far away places and adventures in spirit. If I sound like the advertisement on a Pizza Hut box to read to your children, so be it; it happened.
My parents have been reading to me since I was born -- they have not stopped yet! I grew up on Lewis, Verne, and the Bernstein's; dreamed of space voyages, unicorns, and small town mysteries; and even survived Moby Dick, lounging in my dad's study and watching my sister fall asleep. I learned words I could not yet pronounce, heard of places I was not sure existed, and packed away enough stories and characters in my head to last me a lifetime. I learned to take words listened to and turn them into ideas of people and places.
From ideas came images of the mind produced by one of my greatest pleasures: "pretending." I cannot count the times I have been surprised in my yard by a neighbor or family member, caught in the act of reliving stories I had heard, or crafting new ones. I wonder exactly what they thought I was doing, running around, waving my arms in the air, humming and talking to myself. Pretending was my method of writing stories from the time I could walk until the fall of 2003. I needed neither paper nor pen, grammar nor form. I lived the stories in real time, played all the parts, and lost myself in the adventure.
The motivation to write my first full-length story came from a writing course my parents signed me up for. Learn to Write the Novel Way was its name, and that was exactly what I did. It was nothing new for me to think up a story, but the knowledge that I would spend an entire year writing it down for all to see added nervous anticipation to my efforts. I wrote up the initial plot on half a page, entitled "A Novel Idea." It was not, actually. The story took place in seventeenth century England and the Caribbean. An aged admiral, decorated for his negotiation skills, is dispatched in command of a refitted merchant vessel to neutralize a pirate group acting under the British flag. I plotted out fourteen chapters, originated characters, and then prepared myself for the great moment -- the moment when I would actually begin to write the story.
I set apart a morning in which to write the first five pages. It was, thankfully for me, a sunny day. I think best in brilliant, unadulterated sunshine. Chapter outline in hand, I sat at the computer desk downstairs, fired up Word, and, a little giddy, began.
In some ways, it was like scuffing around on the front drive, pretending. But now I could go back after each sentence and live that moment of the story again. The story pulled me in, and the knowledge that it would receive a grade gave me caution. I described the scene carefully and thoroughly. I introduced Admiral Hambly to my imaginary reader with all dignity, yet with all the visual reality I could muster.
What I described was a scene symbolic of the turning point those two hours were to me. The admiral "strode" (I felt very proud of myself for using that word) down a corridor with his dignified fellows, soft red carpet under his feet, just as I had made the journey through stately pages and dreams in the company of my family. Soldiers at the end of the hall saluted the dignitaries and swung open the doors, revealing, to Admiral Hambly, the court of King Charles II, to me, a similar great chamber, full of great yet flawed people communicating desperately important truths. Hambly and I were there to join them, there to try our tongue and pen at their own game, and see if we could make a difference.
Ironically, what Hambly had to say was not so very important. And, by the end of the book, he almost despairs, seeing how useless his life has been. Regardless of this warning sign, I sat, at the end of my first two hours and five pages, my fingers aching and my hands quivering from excitement, knowing that my life had changed for good. I had begun to learn in those first two hours the beauty of description, the centrality of character, and the necessity of plot in a "good" story. Familiarity caused me to lose some of my excitement and caution in future chapters and books. I must fight for them now every time I write. I understand more and more that, if I am going to write, I had better have something important to say, and say it well. There are already too many cheap ideas and cheap deliveries.
But I learned something in those two hours that I hope will never leave me. I knew already how to translate words spoken into thoughts and ideas. I had discovered and refined already how to take those thoughts and ideas and make them sounds and images in my mind. Finally, that morning, I learned how to capture sounds and images in words, completing the cycle. I was equipped to begin making what had, in many ways, made me.
If I hold to the Truth I first learned in the second row at church, in my first epiphany, and work at conveying it, I can do lasting good with what I learned in The King's Court.
Monday, October 29, 2007
In Which Benjamin Dobbs Starts an Electrical Fire
Dear Readers,
As Dave Barry is fond of saying, 'I'm not making this up!'
And as a friend of my family once said, "You can exaggerate up to 15% before it becomes a lie."
With these two thoughts in mind, read on.
Four feet shuffled and gripped on linoleum, squeaking mildly in protest as weight shifted suddenly back and forth. Wooden swords flashed in the florescent lighting, reflected in the microwave window and greasy range top. "Clack, clack" called the swords to each other, and the two combatants panted and grunted as they traded blows.
On the other side of the room, across the pool table, two of Benjamin's hallmates had lost interest in the unusual pass-time and were focusing on the football game one of them was playing on the 360. The crowd noise channeled through the speaker system drowned out the sounds of battle only a few feet away. Windows along two sides of the commons let in the last few rays of light the day had to offer, as the eyelid of the sun blinked and began to fall for the last time.
Benjamin enjoyed sword-fighting, if that is what his activity should be called. He wasn't quite sure himself, only that he tried to hit the chap with the other stick and quite enjoyed himself at the same time. Even at times when he didn't have an opponent, his imagination could supply hordes that were even more agreeable, quite willing to ignore his weak spots and be soundly beaten. Against his roomie Sheep, he was lucky if he got a draw.
"Leg!"
"Arm!" they called to each other in unison, and backed away, Benjamin berating himself for trying for a strike so quickly. He raised his sword (dear old All Purpose Staff) above his right shoulder, his left hand close to his right cheek. He eyed Sheep's hands, trying to anticipate his move, and, in preparation for a strike, cocked his elbow. The A.P.S. jumped up a few more inches in reaction and struck the plastic cover underneath the florescent bulbs.
As Sheep countered Benjamin's attacks, a hissing noise from above gave them cause to stop and look up. Through the undamaged plastic cover, the end of one of the bulbs was hissing, sparking, and (Benjamin's heart froze) smoking.
Even as phrases such as
"Holy cow,"
and
"It's smoking," passed unsummoned through his lips, he waxed philosophical.
Knowledge dictated state of mind; of that he was sure. Simple facts, such as the smoke detector, mounted on the ceiling about two feet from the light, and the $400 dollar fine imposed upon anyone foolish enough...
fool
...to set it off, changed his entire outlook on life. $400 dollars was a lot of cheeseburgers, a lot of cheeseburgers he could smell, look at, but never buy, no, never eat. Life was short, and he had just devoted far too much of it to paying off his stupidity.
He should take up croquet.
Having finished his philosophical meanderings, he had the bright idea of reaching over to the light switch, finding yet another use for his A.P.S: insulation from hazardous electrocution.
Darkness fell.
The hissing, sparking, and, especially, smoking, stopped.
The nauseating smell of electrical fire permeated the room.
"Aw, junk!" Benjamin snapped.
The guys playing football commented on how bad the room smelled, and inquired as to how in the world Benjamin had started a fire with his staff. Benjamin would have explained at length, but his cell phone began to buzz in his pocket.
"Hello?" Benjamin's voice quivered. Had the administration heard about it already?
"Hey, Benjamin..." it was Vlad, his friend, and his big sister's boyfriend.
"Oh, man, get the windows open! It's gonna go off any time..."
Sheep and Benjamin crossed the room and began throwing open windows.
"Are you all right?" asked Vlad.
"Yeah, fine," said Benjamin, more sarcasm than honesty in his voice.
"Well..."
"I wish we had a fan," whined Benjamin.
"...I was calling to say we were probably not going to watch a movie until later..."
Good, I'm going to be busy evacuating the building and confessing anyway! thought Benjamin.
Sheep turned on the range fan and waved smoke out the window. Benjamin checked the air conditioning unit. It was already set on high.
The alarm poised, ready to spring on them like a cheetah stalking a baby gazelle in the middle of a golden, grassy field in Africa...if only Benjamin could be in Africa right then, he thought, and not there in the commons.
Vlad caught on that Benjamin was not paying any attention to him, and excused himself.
As the initial panic settled lower and began to crawl along his stomach lining, Benjamin mounted a chair and tried to get the cover off the light, supposing he might as well make sure there wasn't a fire smoldering. He couldn't budge the cover, but it was cold and nothing seemed to be amiss. Hitting it hadn’t even cracked the plastic.
He inquired as to the location of their fearless Resident Assistant, and the guys on the couch replied that they didn't know. His embarrassment overcome by adrenaline, he left Sheep with strict orders not to let anyone flip the switch, and descended to the Resident Director's office, his ears alert for the impending alarm. No one was in the office. Embarrassment caught up with him, but he eventually called the Assistant Resident Director.
"Everything's all right now,” he began, “but I was wondering what we should do if one of the lights in the commons starts smoking..."
"Did you say 'smoking'?"
"It's not anymore, and the alarm hasn't gone off," Benjamin explained himself, almost taking pride in confessing that yes, he had started the electrical fire while sword-fighting in the commons.
"Oh, ok. Just put a sign on the switch so no one turns it on, and remind me to deal with it later."
"Ok. Thanks."
By the time he hung up the phone, he had come to understand that a small miracle had occurred in that if the alarm hadn't gone off already, it probably wouldn't at all.
Ascending to his room, he tore a piece of notebook paper from a binder and wrote "Do not turn on." on it with a sharpie. Then, knowing his hallmates were much more likely to turn on the light when they saw the sign, he added the following malediction: "(The lights will smoke!)"
Popping over to the next room, he borrowed duct tape. Returning to the commons, he relieved Sheep of his duties("How did ya'll start a fire; it smells terrible in here!" commented a recent arrival.), and, after taping the sign to the wall, retired to his room with a prayer of thanks for God's mercies, and a residual sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.
He wouldn’t be able to cook in the commons for a week without glancing nervously up at the smoke detector.
As Dave Barry is fond of saying, 'I'm not making this up!'
And as a friend of my family once said, "You can exaggerate up to 15% before it becomes a lie."
With these two thoughts in mind, read on.
Four feet shuffled and gripped on linoleum, squeaking mildly in protest as weight shifted suddenly back and forth. Wooden swords flashed in the florescent lighting, reflected in the microwave window and greasy range top. "Clack, clack" called the swords to each other, and the two combatants panted and grunted as they traded blows.
On the other side of the room, across the pool table, two of Benjamin's hallmates had lost interest in the unusual pass-time and were focusing on the football game one of them was playing on the 360. The crowd noise channeled through the speaker system drowned out the sounds of battle only a few feet away. Windows along two sides of the commons let in the last few rays of light the day had to offer, as the eyelid of the sun blinked and began to fall for the last time.
Benjamin enjoyed sword-fighting, if that is what his activity should be called. He wasn't quite sure himself, only that he tried to hit the chap with the other stick and quite enjoyed himself at the same time. Even at times when he didn't have an opponent, his imagination could supply hordes that were even more agreeable, quite willing to ignore his weak spots and be soundly beaten. Against his roomie Sheep, he was lucky if he got a draw.
"Leg!"
"Arm!" they called to each other in unison, and backed away, Benjamin berating himself for trying for a strike so quickly. He raised his sword (dear old All Purpose Staff) above his right shoulder, his left hand close to his right cheek. He eyed Sheep's hands, trying to anticipate his move, and, in preparation for a strike, cocked his elbow. The A.P.S. jumped up a few more inches in reaction and struck the plastic cover underneath the florescent bulbs.
As Sheep countered Benjamin's attacks, a hissing noise from above gave them cause to stop and look up. Through the undamaged plastic cover, the end of one of the bulbs was hissing, sparking, and (Benjamin's heart froze) smoking.
Even as phrases such as
"Holy cow,"
and
"It's smoking," passed unsummoned through his lips, he waxed philosophical.
Knowledge dictated state of mind; of that he was sure. Simple facts, such as the smoke detector, mounted on the ceiling about two feet from the light, and the $400 dollar fine imposed upon anyone foolish enough...
fool
...to set it off, changed his entire outlook on life. $400 dollars was a lot of cheeseburgers, a lot of cheeseburgers he could smell, look at, but never buy, no, never eat. Life was short, and he had just devoted far too much of it to paying off his stupidity.
He should take up croquet.
Having finished his philosophical meanderings, he had the bright idea of reaching over to the light switch, finding yet another use for his A.P.S: insulation from hazardous electrocution.
Darkness fell.
The hissing, sparking, and, especially, smoking, stopped.
The nauseating smell of electrical fire permeated the room.
"Aw, junk!" Benjamin snapped.
The guys playing football commented on how bad the room smelled, and inquired as to how in the world Benjamin had started a fire with his staff. Benjamin would have explained at length, but his cell phone began to buzz in his pocket.
"Hello?" Benjamin's voice quivered. Had the administration heard about it already?
"Hey, Benjamin..." it was Vlad, his friend, and his big sister's boyfriend.
"Oh, man, get the windows open! It's gonna go off any time..."
Sheep and Benjamin crossed the room and began throwing open windows.
"Are you all right?" asked Vlad.
"Yeah, fine," said Benjamin, more sarcasm than honesty in his voice.
"Well..."
"I wish we had a fan," whined Benjamin.
"...I was calling to say we were probably not going to watch a movie until later..."
Good, I'm going to be busy evacuating the building and confessing anyway! thought Benjamin.
Sheep turned on the range fan and waved smoke out the window. Benjamin checked the air conditioning unit. It was already set on high.
The alarm poised, ready to spring on them like a cheetah stalking a baby gazelle in the middle of a golden, grassy field in Africa...if only Benjamin could be in Africa right then, he thought, and not there in the commons.
Vlad caught on that Benjamin was not paying any attention to him, and excused himself.
As the initial panic settled lower and began to crawl along his stomach lining, Benjamin mounted a chair and tried to get the cover off the light, supposing he might as well make sure there wasn't a fire smoldering. He couldn't budge the cover, but it was cold and nothing seemed to be amiss. Hitting it hadn’t even cracked the plastic.
He inquired as to the location of their fearless Resident Assistant, and the guys on the couch replied that they didn't know. His embarrassment overcome by adrenaline, he left Sheep with strict orders not to let anyone flip the switch, and descended to the Resident Director's office, his ears alert for the impending alarm. No one was in the office. Embarrassment caught up with him, but he eventually called the Assistant Resident Director.
"Everything's all right now,” he began, “but I was wondering what we should do if one of the lights in the commons starts smoking..."
"Did you say 'smoking'?"
"It's not anymore, and the alarm hasn't gone off," Benjamin explained himself, almost taking pride in confessing that yes, he had started the electrical fire while sword-fighting in the commons.
"Oh, ok. Just put a sign on the switch so no one turns it on, and remind me to deal with it later."
"Ok. Thanks."
By the time he hung up the phone, he had come to understand that a small miracle had occurred in that if the alarm hadn't gone off already, it probably wouldn't at all.
Ascending to his room, he tore a piece of notebook paper from a binder and wrote "Do not turn on." on it with a sharpie. Then, knowing his hallmates were much more likely to turn on the light when they saw the sign, he added the following malediction: "(The lights will smoke!)"
Popping over to the next room, he borrowed duct tape. Returning to the commons, he relieved Sheep of his duties("How did ya'll start a fire; it smells terrible in here!" commented a recent arrival.), and, after taping the sign to the wall, retired to his room with a prayer of thanks for God's mercies, and a residual sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.
He wouldn’t be able to cook in the commons for a week without glancing nervously up at the smoke detector.
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