"I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess." -Martin Luther

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Foot Jiggling IV: A Detour to the Invention and Subsequent History of the Jiggle

The mention of Chinese water torture caused me to ponder. It seems to me that, among their invention of eyeglasses, explosives, kites, knights or "Samurai", and martial arts, one far-more important Chinese invention has been sadly neglected. I refer, of course, to foot jiggling. It is clear that this emerged in the late twenty-fifth century B.C., as man's life-span finished shortening, causing time to fly by mankind at breakneck speeds. The Chinese, well-known for their "deep" philosophies, found that meditation involving rythymic lower body motion that left the upper body motionless allowed for deep insights into life, and spiritual victory over one's enemies. They intitled this art "Jig Gling" (not to be mistaken for "Jing Gul" a vocal meditation routine meant for memorization, but which was soon recognized as a powerful demoralizer among young slaves). The dance-connotating "jig" as well as our own "jiggle" emerged from this nomen.
Most Chinese thought this technique best suited for proselytes learning the ways of the philosophers, but soon it became so popular with the philosophers, that they reccomended it to the physicians, who reccomended it to the Samurai, who in turn enforced it upon their people as neccessary for good health, and as a last ditch tactic against the enemy. Several ancient accounts of enemies begging for mercy and giving up priceless secrets when confronted with a jiggler.
Unfortunately, jiggling was so potent as a weapon that soon Samurai forced their peasants to be hynoptized out of remembering it, due to their use of it against each other over petty disputes. Soon, it was a secret of war, treasured by the few Samurai who held the truth, typically through some wise philosopher in his employ. Mention of this art was avoided, for fear of the secret getting out again.
Around 300 B.C., all references to Jig Gling stop. It appears that the few high-ranking Chinese who still knew of the art buried their secret, destroyed the few manuscripts remaining, in short, destroyed the documentation on Jig Gling. Their reasons were three-fold. First, any who first learns Jig Gling finds it is hard to unlearn. Those who knew it already had no need for documentation. Second, it was too dangerous a weapon, and there was no garuntee that the secret would not be let out and proceed to destroy the known world. Third, and this was the flagship motive, water-torture became popular during this period, and it was so much more humane than Jig Gling, while maintaining its effeciency, that Jig Gling was unneccessary. After this, Jig Gling was passed on through the generations by word of mouth, and only a few brave and tragic souls actaully practised the tecnique. These lost all friends and allies, and were destroyed by their neighbors as too dangerous to live.
It was Marco Polo who brought Jig Gling to the modern world, daring many dangers, and surviving an intense Jig Gling dual, to capture and return with the secret. From that time forth, Jigg Gling, in a westernized, mostly-harmless form. Few now remember the deadly secrets that unleash Jiggle into its bloodthirsty form, Jig Gling. It is rumored, however, that the League of Shadows use this as a last-ditch effort to cause chaos, and may be represented returning to Gotham in Batman 2 with this tecnique. But of course, this form of Jig Gling would be stylized and devoid of danger.

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